My poor, neglected blog.  It’s already Advent again, and I haven’t written anything in months.  But, it’s because I’ve been busy – waiting.  But actively waiting – making preparations for a wedding in the new year.  Isn’t it strange how sometimes waiting feels active, and sometimes it feels passive?

I was in a meeting with a staff a couple weeks ago where I talked about the difference between actively waiting and passively waiting.  And I realized, that passively waiting feels most powerless, and it’s where my heart goes when I’m tired.  Anyway, the actively waiting has been very busy – and while I’ve had lots of blog-worthy thoughts, there has not been much energy to write.

But now I’m procrastinating during a seminary paper and thought I’d just put this up here.  I have a thing about Advent, and not listening to Christmas carols during it.  It short-circuits the waiting, I think.  On December 1, someone told me “Merry Christmas!” and that December was for Christmas music.  I beg to differ.  Most of December is for Advent music.  The waiting, sometimes active, sometimes passive – the difficulty, the day-to-day.  Too often our American Christianity focuses only on the easy, the celebration, the triumphant parts of the faith.  And there is so much more than that.

Anyway, to help me remember that, I have listened to my Advent playlist from last year – reposted below, but with an additional song that I added after posting this last year.  Makes me smile, looking back on that late add – but it means more to me than romantic love – in the end, the truest love prevails.

“A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes, does various unessential things, and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent.”   (November 21, 1943) – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

1. The Laugh of Recognition – Over the Rhine – ‘c’mon boys it’s time to let it go // everybody has a dream that they will never own… it’s called the laugh of recognition when you laugh but you feel like dyin”

2. Bitterness Hotel – Martha’s Trouble ‘well i don’t know how I got here, it’s not where I want to be’ (a lovely band I met in college – they moved from Houston to Birmingham)

3. Long Lost Brother – Over the Rhine - ‘I thought that we’d be further along by now // I can’t remember how I stumbled to this place’

4. Only God Can Save Us Now – Over the Rhine ‘who will save me from myself and the night’

7.The Cure for Pain – Jon Foreman - ‘I’m not sure why it always goes downhill, why broken cisterns never could stay filled’

8. Some Peace Tonight – Martha’s Trouble ‘Let me run and hide from the fear that is in me // My head is spinning and I need some peace tonight’

9. First Breath After Coma – Explosions in the Sky 3:20-4:20 is a great section, but for this playlist, the 4:20-5:30 is right on, and then the melody at 5:30 always sounds a little like ‘o come let us adore him’ to me…

10. Windmills – Mutual Admiration Society (orig. by Toad the Wet Sprocket)‘there’s something that you won’t show, waiting where the light goes // and anyway the wind blows, it’s all worth waiting for’

11. The Revolution Choir – Alex Dupree and the Trapdoor Band ‘there is a land it is full of giants // but do not lose step and do not be frightened // cuz there is a great fire, it came from the mountains // we wait in the watchtower, just tryin’ to keep it lit //it cannot be too much longer’ (I miss singing this with my Mosaic family.)

12. All is Full of Love – Death Cab for Cutie (orig. by Bjork) ‘you’ll be given love, you’ll be taken care of… you have to trust it’

13. Keep Your Eyes on the Prize – Mavis Staples – ‘got my hand on the freedom plow, wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now // keep your eyes on the prize, hold on’

14. Travelin’ Thru – Dolly Parton ‘Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it’s hard to travel on // But holdin’ to each other, we don’t have to walk alone …//  oh sweet Jesus if you’re listenin’ keep me ever close to you // As I’m stumblin’ tumblin’ wonderin’ as I’m travelin’ thru

15. Tension is a Passing Note – Sixpence ‘but tension is to be loved // when it is like a passing note // to a beautiful beautiful chord’

16. God Believes in You – Jill Phillips (orig. by Pierce Pettis) ‘when you swear you don’t believe in him // God believes in you… blessed are the ones who grieve // the ones who mourn and the ones who bleed // in sorrow you sow, but in joy you’ll reap’

17. Brave – Miranda Stone Look at me, I’m being brave // Look at me, I’m being brave // Look at you, you’re being brave

18. Up to the Mountain (MLK song) – Patty Griffin ‘Then I hear your sweet voice, oh // Oh, come and then go, come and then go //Telling me softly You love me so’

19.  True Love Will Find You in the End – Daniel Johnston, covered by Mates of State   Don’t be sad, I know you will // Don’t give up until // True love finds you in the end

This time last year I was packing up everything to move across the country.  In fact, exactly a year ago, the truck pulled away with all my earthly possessions (except the essentials).  As I rehearsed many times last fall moving is like a break-up – at first you notice every day or week that passes, and then the month-versaries, and then eventually you start to notice less how long it’s been.

So now it’s been a year, and I swear the fall went by so so unbearably slowly.  So many days of waiting for the sun to come out (*not* just figuratively).  And now it’s summer, and HOT.  I love it.  Don’t get me wrong – I still think Austin may be the best city in the country – I haven’t gotten rid of my real estate there and visited 4 times in the last year.   But I guess I’ve sorta made a home here too.  It still doesn’t feel comfortable, but better than just bearable.

So this time this year, I pack again but for a week-long vacation with my co-conspirator and awesome family.  Looking forward to a week of sharing a bed with my 3 year old niece, and lots and lots of sunshine.

*picture above taken with my old canon point and shoot.  cal botanical gardens.

A couple nights ago I remembered this isn’t my first birthday celebration in Northern California.  I celebrated my 21st birthday here, visiting friends before heading out on my 2nd trip to XJ.  We went to dinner at Chevy’s ‘fresh-mex’ where they give you a sombrero if it’s your birthday.

I’m surprised that I’ve had about the same haircut since then.  :)  I miss that old denim shirt.  I’ve been trying to remember what that Sabrina thought life would be like.

I had just graduated from Rice the month before, and would start working in Information Technology right after the China trip.  I was wrestling with whether I might ever be able to join InterVarsity staff. That mission trip felt like a consolation prize. While many of my friends went ahead into full-time ministry, I felt like I was headed into the wilderness.

And at times it was wilderness – in the transforming and painful ways that wilderness works.  We don’t get maps for life (at least not accurate ones).  Som-brina (tm KC) had no idea what was ahead – what the next 12 years would hold.  The adventures, heartaches, friendships, conflicts, medical scares, joys, travels, and heartbreaks.  The money and power, and later feeling poor and powerless.  The excitement of new ministries and planting a new church.  Ordination!  The sadness at leaving.  And new adventures in California!

I’m glad she didn’t know.*

This is how it works

You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

-r. spektor (from the album ‘begin to hope’)

*By the grace of God, I can say that in hindsight about the past journey.  But in the present I often still want the map.

Today, I want to move back home to Austin.

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this way – so there is definitely some celebration in that.  Seriously, there is – I’m not just being optimistic – God-knows that’s near-impossible for me anyways.  So despite the general tone of this post – I am also reminding myself that hopefully these days will get fewer and farther between.

But today is one of those days.  Perhaps it was getting lost on my way to the main post office three times.  Or the fact that I had to go to the main post office because my tiny apartment mailbox got full with other people’s mail (my old mailbox never got full, nor did I get other people’s mail and dangit – I miss my house).  Or that I woke up 4-5 times coughing last night because of allergies/super-dry-air and I’m tired of not feeling good and just plain tired.  Or that it’s beautiful and about 90 degrees outside and I miss that and there are no snow cones to be found here.  And no fireflies west of the Rockies either.

Or maybe it’s because I heard a gorgeous sermon yesterday at Kevin’s church, and it’s been forever since I heard one of those.   Well, except that I was in Austin last Sunday for Carrie’s ordination and that was a beautiful, beautiful sermon.  Or maybe it’s that my birthday is coming up and there’s nothing like a birthday around people who love you, and most of the ones I know live 1700+ miles away.  And I just got back from there.

But this too shall pass.  I just got done telling the new Stanford graduates this week that I think it takes at least a year or year and a half to make the transition out of college.  I thought I’d get bonus time for being so far out of college and having a grip on my life.  But, I guess not.  It’s always easier to tell other people what it’ll be like than to live it oneself!

Thinking back, I know there were hard things about moving to Austin 10 years ago.  You long-time friends can feel free to remind me of those in the comments.  It’s never easy to make new friends, or find a new church, or learn a town whose streets change names at every other intersection (Austin, not here).  I like to think that it was easier 10 years ago though, when so few of my friends were married and had no kids, when they had more time.  To be fair, I also wasn’t trying hard to finish a master’s degree back then.  But, this too shall pass.  Or at least, I hope I’ll pass my classes.

This too shall pass.  I don’t think I’ll forget how to get to the main post office again.  Hopefully it’ll be another long while before I have a whole day where I want to move home.  But hey, I thought of something that I don’t miss from Austin.  Giant roaches.  I haven’t seen any here, and for that I’m really glad.  Just thinking about them gives me the shivers.

A few weeks ago I taught on Elijah (the super-prophet).  So in line with that, for now, I’m gonna go make a breakfast taco for myself and drink a Mexican coke.  Then, a nap if I need it.  And then I’ll talk to God.  I heard he knows all about Austin.  ;)  It’ll get easier to BREATHE here too.

Also, got to experience Tim Horton’s.  Now, to do some last-minute prep (perhaps my favorite kind!).

My favorite part might be “Your mother wants what’s best for you. And we do too.” Or, “Warmly…”

A new low.

And I’m perfectly happy getting my mom her yearly membership to the Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens every year for Mother’s Day.  :)  We like it there.

I’m moving apartments this weekend.  It’s just up the road a little, about a mile and a half.  But this move should be a lot easier than last time – I don’t have to pack so sturdily, and there’s not as much emotional attachment to this apartment.  In fact, I’m ready to start over – now that I have some more footing in California – I’m ready to be in a new place.

I just packed up my guitar, and remembered that when I drove out I had put only the most important stuff in my car.  Besides some clothes and stuff for arrival, I packed in my legal documents, bike, guitar, computer, scrapbooks, a teddy bear, friend Carrie, and a thick file folder of all the sermons I’ve ever given.  [I print my sermons out and scribble added things in the margins - they're always better after giving them.]

In a way, I miss that simplicity.

I’m grateful for all the other furniture and clothes, etc.  but apparently, when it comes down to it, I care about just a few things.  And even those things, I could live without.  I am not the sum of my stuff – houses I own, sermons I’ve given, or great hobbies.

That’s reassuring.

“For you, O God, have proved us; you have tried us just as silver is tried.
You brought us into the snare; you laid heavy burdens upon our backs.
You let enemies ride over our heads; we went through fire and water; but you brought us out into a place of refreshment.”

Psalm 66:9-12

I hope so.

“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.
Indeed, our heart rejoices in him, for in his holy Name we put our trust.
Let your loving-kindness, O Lord, be upon us, as we have put our trust in you.”

Psalm 32:20-22

Yes, please!

Amen.

new favorite restaurant: tofu house (for soondubu!)

new favorite accessory: scarves (purple, burnt orange, bright pink, shiny blue, red, and various patterns)

new favorite grocery store: tie between Trader Joe’s and Ranch 99

new language I am learning: koine greek  (jury is still out on whether I know the verb tenses)

what I miss most:

quirky, artsy, every-week-eucharist, and God-seeking family: mosaic*

best anytime food: breakfast tacos the NYTimes agrees with me

crazy cool staff and students: UT Austin

a great gift from God with an orange/red room and a view of beautiful sunsets:  my mueller townhouse

That’s all for now.  I was procrastinating a paper earlier and started this.  Now I’m procrastinating studying the above-mentioned Greek verbs.

*9 years ago tonight I went to a house in East Austin for the 1st interest meeting for a new church.  It was an awkward hangout with the Seays and Vanderslices since no one else came.  I love that Mosaic has so many awkward stories in our history.

Anyway, I expect I’ll write a more reflective entry soon.  For now a look back.  Or well, a look forward from a time in the past.  This was somewhere past Junction in west Texas…  (the windshield sticker is from Virginia)